February 15, 2013

A Shoutout In The Silence of A Corpse Blog

Okay, so I haven't updated my blog for some time now.
I'm now uodating my blog from the boredom of sitting in the ceramah in PLKN.
I'm bored, sleepy and bored.
I brought a novel along but I forgot my specs.
Now my eyes are tired and dry.
Ish ish!
And he is not texting with me.
So what's the point really?
What's the point?

December 19, 2012

Song Quotes (Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch)

The same song can be interpreted with different meanings by the same person at different points in her life. Sometimes, the whole song can explain it. Sometimes only the verse or chorus or bridge. Sometimes only a certain length of a line.

And now...
I have a different meaning for this same song which bids farewell to a relationship/friendship which one believed in before. I had a different interpretation some time back. It is somewhere in this blog. I don't know where.

"Of all the things I believed it, I just wanna get it over with, Tears form behind my eyes, But I do not cry..." - there are things that you may come to know and you feel shocked because it was unexpected yet expected. The signs were there, the signs you missed and misintepreted. You don't know why cry; because you are relieved or sad. But somehow, you are glad it is over, and your tears come naturally.

"The last three years were just pretend and I said, Goodbye to you, Goodbye to everything I thought I knew, You were the one I loved..." - sometimes when a relationship ends or changes into something else, you will wonder if everything before was real. The feelings, the memories and everything else. However, either way, you still have to bid farewell to the status of the relationship now.

"And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time, I want what's yours and I want what's mine..." - sometimes, you don't know what you want, so you want everything. But then, 'everything' is too overwhelming. Then you crave for 'nothingness'... Sometimes, what you want from that person is not there anymore. Sometimes, you hold on because you feel an attachment. You are holding on to the memories of the feelings. Just like a loose tooth which is only attached by a piece of gum. All you have to do is tug it and it hurts a bit and it's gone. We are just too afraid to let it go. But time will come, and you will come to realise what is not right. And you become stronger and tell yourself that things will pass and don't go back into it. Because you don't need it anymore... then you will eventually move on.

I am glad though... eventhough the past may hurt a little and the new knowledge of the past makes me doubt everything that has happened before and every feelings we all had, I can finally leave the past behind, close this chapter of my life and move on without regrets now.

Thank you, my dear friend. For being the climax and conclusion of this chapter of my life. Thank you so much. :)
No worries, we will still be good friends.
Because you will still be in the next chapter.

Life's Jigsaw Puzzles

Like I always said when a situation in a certain section my life comes to a conclusion, 'God has a funny way of telling you things...'

God throws you different sets of unsolved, weird-edged, odd-shaped, bazillion-pieces jigsaw puzzles.
He doesn't expect you to finish it.
You are allowed to give up, take a rest, move your concentration to another set of jigsaw puzzle.
But somehow, He knew your curiousity to know what picture or mesage that jigsaw puzzle paints or holds will keep you going no matter what.
Sometimes, when I try to piece all these weird-edged pieces together, I feel so tired.
At some points, I want to give up, thinking it is impossible to piece a bazillion pieces of weird-edged puzzles pieces...
Then sometimes, I move my focus to another set of jigsaw puzzle.
Then sometimes, when I thought I almost got one part right, then someone comes and destroys everything.
But somehow, you will get there.
I knew I will get there.
You cannot focus on everything at the same moment.
However, you can focus on everything at the same time.
Take a big step back and take a look at the big picture and you will see that...
God has a funny way of planning our fate and destiny.
And all these jigsaw puzzles always fall into the right places when you never give up trying to solve them and stick with them till the end.
And all these jigsaw puzzles will combine to make a big picture.
It is all interconnected.
The time will come when you will put in the last piece in its rightful place and say 'Ah ha! I got it!'
These complete jigsaw puzzles can be put on display as a proof to your determination and endurance.
Some people may admire it, be envious, be jealous, not know how to enjoy the picture.
It doesn't matter.
Because they don't know the process of completing it.
The memories and tales behind the picture.
The feelings when you are completing it.
Sometimes, feelings become a memory.
Sometimes, we hold on to the memory of those feelings a little too long.
We become nostalgic, sentimental and sensitive.
Either way, we have to let go because God?
He never stops gifting you jigsaw puzzles till the day you go back to Him.
You have to keep solving new ones.
You cannot solve them if you kept looking at your old completed ones, can you?
Though sometimes in the future, you may want to look back and say, 'Hey, I did that before and I succeeded!'
Maybe you might even laugh at yourself.
It wasn't that hard, was it?
Just in case you overlooked that, at the beginning of this post, I said, 'God throws..' by the end of the post, I said, 'God gifts..'
This is how we learn in life to accept jigsaw puzzles from Him and be grateful eventhough initially, we resented that.
We eventually come to accept them.
That is when, they become gifts.
Because life is like that, you only learn to appreciate its value when you are enlightened (solve the jigsaw puzzles).
That is when, you achieve happiness, satisfaction and contentment in life.

December 12, 2012

A New Life (or maybe pre-new life)

Oh gawd... like when was the last time I updated my blog?? *checks date*
So loooong ago!!!
This is a blogger's crime!!!
Sorry people!!!
I've been so goddamn busy... with life.
(hah! What a joke! I don't have a life... heh! YET!...... but soon... soon...)
Anyway, just in case you guys think I'm back for good...
Thou shalt be warned!!
So I will probably be shipped off to my camp base in Kuala Langat soon.
Driven off to my camp base, I mean.
No need to cross oceans... but I was just being hyperbolic.
Anyway, I will be missing in action again pretty soon.
4th of January to be precise...
Till then, I will be updating my blog since I have Blogger on my phone now. XD
Yes, I have got a new phone, freedom and almost renewed life since the last time I blogged.
I am sooooo happy!!!!!
Anyway, I have decided to update my blog because...
Be... cause...
Actually I don't know why.
Like I have done my SPM, but I still feel like SPM isn't over.
Like I can't believe I am temporarily freed from the pressures of exams looming ahead.
No early tuition classes to attend.
No need to study.
It is just weird.
I still feel like I have been slacking because I didn't study whenever I go out only to realise SPM is over on the way back in the car/bus/train... totally wasted the moments I could have enjoyed..
I have been to this YNN camp.
It's like a video-journalism camp...
It is damn awesome!!
Wait, it IS a video-journalism camp!
I have met new awesome!!!
And thanks to my team partner, Daryl, during the camp, I WON A STARBUCKS CARD WORTH RM50!!!
I know right?
I got a Starbucks tumbler with it.
And got two complimentary grande's for that.
Then I went and met up with some Starstruckers when I came back from the 4 days 3 nights camp.
Went to Sunway, but didn't skate with them cause I had to go soon...
Totally regret!!!
Then I went to Penang the next day!!!
I am damn serious!!!
Anyway, I didn't do much there..
Visited the war museum, played by the beach, met up with Daryl for badminton, walked by the beach with a friend I just met through a Starstrucker friend online...after 3 days and 2 nights, I'm gone to Kedah to visit my relatives for 2 days and 1 night and I am back home.
The next day itself, I went to KL to watch my good friend's debate, which he didn't win... :(((
Anyway, I had fun hanging out with my friends after that!
Went to KLCC and watched Life of Pi!!
Worth the watch!!!
I strongly recommend you guys to watch it... freethinkers!!! :D
Then I am back home after 3 days and 2 nights!!
Actually, not exactly home... I'm at my grandparents' now...
So yeah! That's about my holidays so far.
Meeting the teethcracker later... O_O
I meant, dentist...
(P.S. can't wait to meet my friends tomorrow, or maybe the day after tomorrow, for the Big Bad Wolf book fair!!! You ready Amelia and Jasmine?? Let's go sapu stock!!!)
(P. P. S. I can't wait for next year!!! Then I can drive around and meet my friends whenever I want!!!)

August 31, 2012


It has been weeks since I last updated.
Okay, maybe not WEEKS...
But, yeah, it's been a while.
Trials now.
So it's gonna be a looooong month ahead.
No more updates till SPM.

(1. Because there is no reason why I should hate you.
 2. Because there is no need for a reason why I should love you either.)

August 16, 2012

A Poem For A Bitch

There lives an old bitch
In the school,
She praises the rich
But lives like a fool.
She thinks she's pretty
Too bad she's not,
She's pretty ugly
Like a dirty little snot.
Her skin wrinkles
Like old, dried prunes,
Her brain whirring
Planning some ways to ruin.

Sexually frustrated
Blindly plays
She's quite retarded
In a bitchy way.
Unholy and frowning
Throughout the trauma
We'll wait for the unfolding
Of the seamless drama.
We sit here waiting
To see the secrets out
Her deep dark yearning
Slowly seeping out.

You are losing badly
At the game you started,
Don't be too happy
Before the game's ended.
Oh dear old bitch,
You're getting old
Your face's may be Botox-rich
But your muscles can't hold.
Love your age
And respect yourself,
Contrasting the adage
Will destroy thyself.

Dedicated to The Bitchest Old Bimbo

August 13, 2012

I Don't Know...

I really don't know what is wrong with me.
Maybe it's mood swings.
Maybe it's realisation.
Maybe... it's just life.

I really, really, really want to talk to you.
But I can't.
Because I don't know how to start.
I don't know where to begin.
I feel trapped.
I'm stuck in this moment.
I can't turn back, I can't move forward.
I feel so damn suffocated...

This is such a childish game...
They say only the people that matter the most know which button to press...
I feel so childish...
I feel so lonely...

And I guess this is karma.

August 10, 2012

Random Post

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday, but I realised some bigger dreams of mine...

August 6, 2012

Still Our HERO!

As everyone know, Datuk Lee Chong Wei lost to his nemesis, Lin Dan... again.
He may lost the gold medal, but he's won millions of hearts, including non-Malaysians.
That's how great he means to us.
He's united our nation without even trying to.

Okay, cut the crap!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
So, Chong Wei's accomplished what the government's been trying to do for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS since our independence... but didn't succeed in doing so...
Tell you what, only sports can unite us all.
So why don't our government just invest all the money in sports?
Train more athletes!
I'm sure when our country's got chance to win, Malaysian's will gather together to watch OUR athletes claim victory!

Oh well, governments, what to do? *shrugs*

So yeah, I cried when Chong Wei lost.
79 minutes of great game.
Seriously, it was a good game.
2 more points!
Okay, I'm not trying to be mean here... but...

My dad suggested that if Malaysia won, we're gonna run out to our balcony and shout : MALAYSIA WON!!!!!!!!!!

Surprised at my dad's suggestion, but sadly, we've got no chance to do that.
Funny thing was, I heard the whole block of our condominium scream in victory when Chong Wei won the first game.
It's funny.
How everyone screamed.
It was so surreal.

I watched a movie "One Day" recently.
Really heart-breaking but meaningful story of a friendship.
(actually, don't watch the movie, read the book. No, seriously, read the book.)
I just... don't like the ending...

And and and!
Watch this!

Till the next time!

August 3, 2012

With Life

The moment when life decides to give the shock of your life cause it's been boring...
It's horrible.
It shows you the worst thing.
Things you wished that you won't ever have to see for your whole life.

He's getting into semi-finals!
My dad and I were like crazy people, screaming in front of the television...
Actually, scratch that.
The best thing ever~

Awh man...
We almost won Japan...

July 27, 2012


Sometimes, I laugh at myself and wonder, why do I even care?
Because, apparently, you don't even care anymore.
I'm the only person trying to keep it all together.
So what's the point really?

All I want to say is... it's hurting me you know?
It really hurts me.

July 25, 2012


Why can't I be The Chosen one like in Harry Potter or something?
Three damn months in a damn boring place!
I hate this!

July 23, 2012

A Test Which Is Not A Test...

We're supposed to be having this minor test this week.
Guess what?
I didn't study!
What's so surprising anyway?
So yeah, I didn't study anything until like when they said, Biology only 1 chapter is coming out and I was like... WHAT???
So why waste it?
I studied lo...
Like fifteen minutes before the test.
Just cramp anything I can inside my head.
Which was near impossible.
Ended up, it didn't even feel like a test.
My friend was asking me for answer.
Not even sneakily.
Just openly like that.
In fact, everyone was talking like there was no test.
Best part was, I sit like, two rows away from teacher...
Wait, the teacher wasn't even there...
I think.
Well, I don't remember seeing a teacher in front though...

Anyway, I was smiling when I did my Add Maths test.
Not because I know how to do, but because...
Well, when I was still writing, I looked around and saw people sleeping already.
I'm sooooo smart.
But I'm probably gonna fail anyway.
Better than zero points. *shrugs*

And I feel so smart!
I mean, I could solve this maths question from PMR 2009 in like 1 minute.
I used to take about one hour and ended up sleeping on it.
That was two years ago though...

It's maths tomorrow...
Nuff said.

My grandfather is like... hey, after SPM, go work at your dad's company.
My gawd...
Why can't I go work in some shops like Converse or I don't know... Adidas? You know, like normal teenagers?
Or maybe restaurants?
You probably get really nice free lunch...
I think...
But seriously?
My dad's company?
That's boring.
Besides, I get employee discount if I work in shops.
My dad's company?
Except for free lunch, I can't imagine what I'll do with the springs that I would wanna buy from my dad's company...
IF I wanna buy...
Unless my friends all go work there.
Wow! That'll be like awesome!
But seriously?

I'd like to announce that yesterday, was the third time my name and the second time my picture, is in the newspaper.
Although just a few words... and a PICTURE.
You know what I mean???
I KNOW RIGHT!?!?!?!?!

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SPM TO BE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 19, 2012

Look What I've Found

Awesome band!
The Piano Guys!!!

Rockelbel's Canon in D (unbelievable improvisation!)

One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful

Adele's Rolling in the Deep

Even Twinkle Twinkle Little Star becomes awesome!

You Only Life Once

I will not pretend to be his friend.
Nor will I pretend to have liked him.
He is someone I know.
And today, he died.
In a car crash.
At 4 am ( I know, why was he out at dawn, you ask? I have no idea).
He was only 16.
He may not have made any impact of sorts in my life before.
But he definitely made an impact in my life now.
He made me realise that life is unpredictable.
He made me realise that life can end without a warning.
I saw in Facebook, people were posting stuff about him.
Saying all those things that... well, people who don't really know the deceased, would say.
About how sad it is and stuff...
Probably to gain some likes for their status.
I wrote this not to get attention (not much people read my blog anyway), it's just to express what I think about this guy's untimely death.
But I'm very sure, in some ways, no matter how rebellious or naughty people said he was, he surely had made an impact on some people's life.
His family members, for instance...
His friends...
The girl who cried by the stairs in school today as her friends (probably also his friends) watched on helplessly.

Of course, I was surprised when our class teacher announced his untimely death.
I couldn't believe it...
That guy who disturbed me during my duty... is gone?
That guy who wanted me to hug him so that he would leave... is gone?
That guy who wanted me to carry him down the stairs... is gone?
Maybe we take things for granted too much...
I may not cry for him.
And I may not mourn for him.
But as a human, I would say I feel sorry for his parents.
And he himself, for having wasted his young life on a spur moment of exhilaration...
He was so young...
Somehow, I felt an urge to cry...
It could have been someone I know...
Or loved.

But all in all, no matter how some people said he's really mean.
No matter how irritated I was when he disrupted my duty by being all funny and flirty.
There were times, he actually DID make me smile.
He may not know this...
Somewhere in this world, he is loved and dearly missed.

May you rest in eternal peace...
Joel Yap (28 June 1996 - 19 July 2012)

July 18, 2012

When The Harry Potter Fever is Back...

I miss the days when Harry Potter series was still on going...
So, I've been going through some stuff I found because I was bored.
I found this-->
Before I die:
1) I want to find someone who loves me like Snape loved Lily.
2) I want someone to say "After all this time?" to me so that I can reply "Always."

The meaning of all the deaths in Harry Potter:
James and Lily- To establish the story line as well as to show the orphans of war.
Cedric Diggory- To show Voldemort's mercilessness.
Sirius Black- To show Harry's lack of guidance/parental figure.
Albus Dumbledore- To show the death of the greatest leader can't stop a war.
Hedwig- To show the end of Harry's childhood.
Mad Eye- To show the death of a soldier.
Dobby- To show that even the smallest creature can die a Hero's death.
Fred Weasley- To show that some deaths you just can't get over.And that's okay.
Tonks and Remus Lupin- To reestablish the orphans of war.
Colin Creevey- To show that the good die young, even when they are not supposed to.
Severus Snape- To show that you can always change your ways. Always.

And one of the first post-SPM I'm gonna do is...
Buy the WHOLE Harry Potter set and read it again... for the 7th time. :')

July 17, 2012

Mood Swings... no wait, that wasn't me!

I seriously don't know how to say this, but I have been crazy.
Maybe it's because of Joanna.
That one hell of a crazy girl she is.
It was she who influenced me.
Shouting my name in my ear.
Hoping like a bunny all over the place.
Laughing like a mad woman.
So I laughed along.
Being with her makes me crazy too.
My goodness.
(P.S. the school's P.A. system is... they just gotta do something to it! They are bursting my eardrums!)

Okay, actually, I'm just crapping because I haven't been updating for sometime.
So this is just for the sake of updating my depressing blog.

Oh hey! Look!
I'm studying!
I'm actually doing my MATHS past year now.
Unbelievable or what?

Fine, I'll get to the important part now...
There must be a point for my updating right?
Of course there is.
The point is that...
Life has been boring.
Other than reading and sleeping, the only thing I ever do nowadays is going online.
Sad life isn't it?
I think I've been running away.
But it's better than going around being sad right?
Keep laughing.
Laugh all those worries away.
Yeah, I'm stressed.
With all the deadlines.
With all the workload.
With the studies.

And then there's this really stupid snobbish girl in school.
She's one year younger.
And she's damn rude to prefects.
She looks down on people who are not in the first class.
And she said : People who are in arts stream don't have a future and useless.
She's so mean!
She was in the 7th class when she was in form 1!
How dare she!
How could she?
But judging on her attitude, she's going nowhere far anyway.
So yea, let the karma bite her butt.

I just need to shout my heart out.
If I hold this in any longer... I'm gonna burst.
I swear I will...
Today, my leader from one of my 'workload' sections came and confront me about how I should not vent out my anger in Facebook because teacher is also on Facebook and she said my attitude towards my responsibilities is rotten.
It's not that I mind about what she said about me.
She has something to say about EVERYONE.
It's just that, first she approves of the thing in the meetings.
Then after that, she decides to ban the thing.
After everything is done, she BANS it!
She freaking BANS it!
And I've did 8 samples!
It's not easy to edit a damn yearbook's cover you know!?!?!
It's NOT!
It takes about 45 minutes to do one!
She can tell me what to do at least!
What is wrong and what's what...
Not AFTER everything is done!
He said if I needed someone to talk, I could call him and shout at him if I want to.
I nodded.
I held in my tears of frustration.
I was so stressed and frustrated then.
I wanted to tear my hair out!
I wanted to scream at everyone!
I wanted to hit something!
But then... I couldn't.
I have to keep my cool.
I had to smile.
So I smiled and nodded.
And I told him I won't do him any more troubles.
I will just finish my work and just damn get over this graduation!
(Don't know who's the one graduating here. The teachers or us...)
Nobody reads my blog anyway.
Doesn't matter.
Yes people, I don't only have to do the school's yearbook (which is turning out to be horrible now...).
I have to do the school's magazine.
Stuff@school, The Star.
The prefects' board to worry about.
The choir club to think about.
What about my studies?
My family outings?
What about my friends, they are all drifting away.
My once busy phone, has been stagnant for weeks.
It's not normal...
I'm like everyone else.
I only have 24 hours.
I only live life once.
I'm only a student.
I'm a student with extra responsiblities and near-impossible expectations.
I only have this much of will.
Everything has boundaries and limits.
Including self-control.
I can only keep my cool for this long.
This is almost the finale already.
I have to just keep reminding myself, few more months to go...
Just a few more months to go before I leave this place.

July 10, 2012

Back from Camp... And Am Walking 'Round Like Zombie

Last week, I attended the prefects' camp for the last time of... probably the rest of my life.
Well, it was one of the best, also probably because it is the last one I'm ever gonna attend.
The first day was...
Not so tiring.
We slept in the tents, had sentry rounds.
Second day was when I got all those bruises and scratches.
And of course, crying because I was afraid to go down the hill which has no rope (to which later I found out the rope was broken, which means there was supposed to be one because it was too dangerous to be done without one but we all arrived at the foot of the hill safely... O_O) and damn steep.
It was also the day when my leg got injured.
The second night/third dawn was...
We had solo night walk in the jungle the night before.
Which proved that most of the guys were scaredy cats.
Then when we got back to the tents, it started raining.
But we ignored it.
Less than one hour later, my teacher came shouting at us to get out and assemble in the canteen.
I was like, whatever... I wanna sleep.
Sadly, teacher shouted right in my face and I woke up, half-asleep, wore my socks and shoes and ran out with my legs limping all the way to the canteen.
Turned out, some tents 'flooded'.
I was shivering like hell when I reached the canteen only to find out later that there were people going around with umbrellas. =_=
We slept in the surau.
Which was open air.
But we all ignored the frost bite and slept like pigs.
We were THAT tired.
When the rain actually stopped, some of us who didn't have time to grab our stuff then went and retrieve it only to find that our dry clothes were wet.
I went back aching all over.
Walking like an old woman.
I slept at 8pm.
Woke up at 5.30am the next day.
Went to school.
Came home at 2pm.
Rushed to tuition at 3pm.
Got home at 7.30pm.
Slept at 9pm.
Thing is, I don't even remember what happened the whole day Monday.
I was sooooooo damn tired.
Today, I still haven't snap out of the tiredness.
And I'm walking around like a zombie.
Goodness gracious.
This is one hell of the torture I brought back from the camp.
But overall, it was great.
My group got the same marks as the group which got "Best Group".
Seems like we didn't get the title because that group had more teamwork.
My personal achievement was "Best Overall Participant"!!!
Khye Xuan got the "Best Male Participant".
Anne got the "Best Female Participant".

June 27, 2012

A Little Break...

I feel like taking a break from my life.
Strip off my 'strong girl' mask.
Go crazy for one day...
Break all the rules...
Dance around.
Sing loudly.
Sleep for as long as I want.
Eat whatever I want.
Cycle as far as I can.
Swim as long as I want.
Read as much as I can.
Play as long as I want.
Run as fast as I can.
Lie down in the rain and let it fall on my face.
Wear my pajamas the whole day.
Play the guitar without limiting myself to half an hour.
Punch the pillows... but I can't really do that anymore because my dad's really mad about those spoilt pillows which I destroyed previously.
Okay, maybe I should punch someone, preferably those idiots who are really annoying and irritating in school.
They are only alive now because I play deaf.
If they were outside and they called me stupid just because I was doing my duties or any other names just because I am a prefect, they would have probably become eunuches or bald women (don't ask why girls attack the hair... I don't know why).

What nice thoughts.....

But then if I did that, then I'll probably end up in jail and then I would waste a lifetime (or half... okay, maybe a quarter...) of freedom while those morons would be still walking around OUTSIDE the jail!!!
They are only alive because the laws are protecting them.
In fact, they should be sent to detention centres for harrassing innocent people.
Or people who are just doing their duties.
Well, whatever.
Those morons to max!

Oh! And I saw a monitor lizard in school today.
I've never been scared of them, don't get me wrong...
But then, I had a dream about snakes last night.
It's just sooooo scary!
Thanks a lot, Sandman >_<

June 26, 2012

I'm Waiting... For My Ego to Leave.

I'm waiting for the day I might just break down or start to feel something.
I know this stoicism is temporary because I've been through it before.
And I know it is not this easy.
It never was.
So I'm just waiting for the day I would cry.
Now I'm encased by the cocoon of numbness.
Sleeping in this cocoon of safety...
I'm still waiting...

Has it occured to you...
That it is harder to say sorry to the people you care?
The more you care the harder it is...

It has to me...
Although it hurts so bad to be NOT talking to that person, but then you just can't and won't give in because you keep thinking that that person knows better than to do whatever they did that offended you in the first place.
I can't believe I can't let go of my ego and just go talk to you...
It is soooo easy.
Just walk up to you and talk like nothing happened.
It is so simple.
So why is it so hard to do?
I saw the signs.
But then I decided to overlook it.
It is just like driving.
I saw that the traffic light turn amber...
But I stepped on the accelerator...
Every time I did that, I feel more confident when I crossed the road.
So I kept doing it...
Until one day I met with an accident.
And I realised, I've seen the light turning amber every time.
So why did I stepped on it despite knowing what it meant?